Smack 101 - The Art of Smacking

Before we start, lets all agree on one thing: Smacking is an art.

Scandinavians have long been able to pride themselves with high quality smack in good supply compared to some of the other regions. There is always room for improvement though, that's why I, the 5th Scandinavian Smack King decided to write this little piece.

First off, we have to establish the corner stones of smack:

• Smack talk is supposed to be fun for both the smacker and the "smackee".
  
• Smack talk is supposed to enhance the gaming experience.
  
• Smack talk is supposed to be a way to bring your fighters (or your gym) to life. To be something more than a web page with pointless statistics and a bunch of chunks of data in the WeBL database.
  

Smack talking is not difficult. It doesn't have to be extremely elaborate, extremely cocky or extremely creative. Role-played smack or PR's made in character are almost always more fun to read (and write) but it's of course optional. Sometimes managers just want to say "good fight", "good luck" or "may the best man win" and that is perfectly OK as well. Likewise, it's OK to pass technical info (like darn, that 4H/12/4 (counter) line really took me by surprise) to another manager through press, although the Scandinavian forums or personal messages in the Scand community might be the choice preferred by most.

There is however a certain etiquette of smack. For instance, A PR like: "I rule, you drool" is perfectly OK if it's issued BEFORE the fight. The same PR issued AFTER a fight is however regarded by most managers as very lame unless you have had a very fierce and aggressive (playful) smack war BEFORE the fight or if there is an ongoing smacking feud between the involved fighters or managers. Unspoken rules such as this one could make new managers hesitant to participate in the immensely fun activity of talking smack in press and that would be a real pity. New managers may have a hard time keeping track of all the dos and don'ts of smack and that's why I have written down a few easy to follow guidelines on these, here, two stone tablets:

The 5th Scandinavian Smack King's 10 smacking commandments:

1. Thou shalt NEVER, EVER smack after a fight unless you have been very active AND aggressive in the pre-fight press and your opponent has been similarly active and aggressive. Complimenting another fighter after a fight he won is entirely OK. Cursing the other fighter in a way that could be viewed as a reluctant compliment is also OK. PRs like "I drool, you rule" are OK. Modest expressions of surprise over a win can be tolerated in exceptional cases as long as they aren't frequent. Screaming at the judges or demanding a re-match is also OK but could make you a cry baby in the eyes of other managers so do this on your own risk.
   
2. Thou shalt smack without regard for the anticipated result. Smackers who only smack talk when they think they will win will be punished in the afterlife as well as be despised in the present world. Be prepared to smack anyone before any fight or don't smack at all.
   
3. Thou shalt NEVER use technical mumbo jumbo like "Oh that 5C/10/5 (allout) in the 5th round was simply genius" Exceptions to this commandment can be made if the issuer wants to convey specific information in which case the PR shalt not be counted as smack but rather as boring facts. Boring facts should be kept to a minimum and should never be included in a "smack release".
   
4. Thou shalt NEVER use manager records or H2H's to argue your case. That's considered very lame and managers resorting to that kind of behaviour are forever frowned upon by the community. (You can discuss matters like this outside press though)
   
5. Thou shalt NEVER take personal offence by smack made "in character" by another manager or fighter. Regard smack as something coming from the fighter or the manager, not the person behind the computer. He who lets role-played smack get under his skin is a weakling and should avoid the press until he develops a confidence and a self esteem.
   
6. Thou shalt never respond to post-fight smack made by your opponent, that will only make him more legitimate and he doesn't deserve that. (Same exceptions as in 1 applies)
   
7. Thou shalt smack talk as much and as often as you like. Don't feel held back, just let it loose.
   
8. Thou shalt smack talk whomever you want. It's not very fun smacking someone who never reads the press or never responds but there is nothing wrong with trying to drag them into the press room. Don't be afraid to tick people off, just refer them to commandment number 5 if they grow sour.
   
9. Thou shalt elaborate and role-play in your smack as much as you like. Role-playing is a big part of smack talking and should be encouraged. That's what separates the Smack talkers from the small talkers.
   
10. Thou shalt always reply to smack if you are able unless doing so violates another commandment or if you suffer from other extraordinary unpleasantries such as "real life" or similar events of the same magnitude.
    

Effects of violations:

• A violation of commandment 1 or 2 gives you away as a spineless twerp, a wuss among wusses. You will be considered a lame ass by other managers.
  
• Violations of commandment 3 or 4 reveals you as either a completely talent less smacker or just boring and uncreative.
  
• A violation of commandment 5 or 6 reveals you as either choleric or weak. Hot heads like this are especially fun targets of future smack and should in fact rightfully be targeted at every opportunity.
  
• A violation of commandment 7 through 10 is what's stopping you from evolving from your maggot-like existence into the glorious realms of the Smack King and his followers.
  

I hope you didn't violate commandment number 5 when reading this and that you'll be a happy and productive smacker in the future. Take care now and don't forget to smack as often as you get the chance. See you in PR!

// Smackie no. 5