Week 256-260 Von Cranium Awards

Welcome all. The growing popularity of the Von Cranium Awards has forced us to find a larger, more permanent, location. So, here we are at GrazianoÂ’s Casa Mia Restaurant in Canastota, NY to announce the Week 256-260 awards. Canastota, home of the International Boxing Hall of Fame. Von CraniumÂ’s Gym is in discussion with GrazianoÂ’s to build a NE WeBL Hall of Fame here in the MenÂ’s Room.

In honor of this beautiful setting, many dignitaries have graced the audience. And, to further solidify its legitimacy, Von CraniumÂ’s have invited a host and emcee for the festivities. LetÂ’s have a big round of applause for an old time manager of the NE, Crapchester.

“Thank you. Throughout the festivities, various members of my gym will be introducing the awards. At this time, it thrills me to call on stage, the fighter who garnered the most wins for my gym, 45-38-11 Paul “Sprinkler” Jones.”

Jones enters, escorted by a nurse on each arm. “I been ast to ‘nounce the “Gym of the period” award. I can’t read dat fast. Slow it down.” “Let me read it for you, Sprinkler”, one of the nurses says. “Tapdog and Mr. T are the finalists for this award. Tapdog was vocal in week 261 of some other rankings announced by Sanford. But, here, the VC awards use computer programs to determine the winners. Going into week 260, both gyms had been ranked #1 twice during our awards period. Mr. T’s lead assured him of the #1 ranking for a third time, but Tapdog held the #2 ranking, but no active fighters for the week. Lord Breman and Stick N’ Move were ranked #3 and #4 and could provide the role of spoiler for Tapdog. If Tapdog finished 4th or worse, Mr. T would win the honor. Any ranking higher than 4th, and Tapdog would win. In the end, neither Lord Breman nor Stickers could move past Tapdog and Tapdog wins the Gym of the Period award, with 2 #1 rankings and 3 #2 rankings for the 5-week period. Congratulations, Tapdog.”

“Hello, I’m Paul “Lock n Load” Jones. I retired with the highest contender ranking of all Crapchester fighters. I’m here to announce the Up n’ Comer award to the best new gym in the region for the period. Three gyms stood out during the period as making a marked improvement: Hall of Fame Gloves, Kolby Khami, and West Mifflin Renegades of Boxing. While all three gyms made some noise during the weeks, the Von Cranium Board of Trustees felt this gym made the biggest improvement. This gym boasts Week 260, 11th ranked Cruiserweight Isosceles, currently 26-16-1. It is with great honor that I present the Up-N-Comer award to the Kolby Khami gym.” After the crowd applause fades, the lights shine on the podium where a bearded, wild-haired man stands.

“What’s up, Canastota? I’m Paul “Hairy” Jones, proud to tell you I won the most cash money for Crapchester, over $28 mill in my account. They want me to introduce the Cheaters Never Prosper Award. So, here goes. It is getting more difficult to uncover the true award winners of this category. As so many new members join, they either are reluctant to cheat or do not know the secret of the ‘!’. The Trustees would like to make a goal for 2005 of enlightening the Northeast to the power of the ‘!’. With that, there are a couple of worthy candidates for this honor. The Board typically looks for a DQ when the victim was ahead, but they made an exception this time. The Von Cranium award for this period’s Cheaters never Prosper goes to Bantamweight Extreme Pain Distributor V4.31. This Sluggers Anonymous fighter managed to lose four of the five fights in weeks 256-260 by DQ. Unprecedented. Extreme Pain Distributor v4.31 may very well become the posterchild of cheating. The Von Cranium Board applauds his tactics and welcomes his continued use. Thank you, Extreme Pain Distributor v4.31, for making this decision extremely easy.”

Paul “Hometown Pride” enters with the Barenaked Ladies tune, “If I had a Million Dollars,” playing. “Canastota, I’m Hometown Pride and like the Barenaked Ladies, I’m proud to be from Rochester. For the final award tonight, I’m supposed to introduce the Extreme Makeover – Webl edition recipient. This fighter exemplifies the rearrangement of facial features. This long past his prime fighter fights in the famous Dungeon10 gym and sports an unimpressive 82-126-4 record. In week 259, quoth the raven “KO Kid” fought Pete Hewitt in a Super-Lightweight bout. After five rounds, it appeared to be a fight like so many others. The “KO Kid” led 50-45, was alittle tired, but had no apparent injuries. Twelve minutes later and you have our award winner. In rounds six and seven, Hewitt stunned the KO Kid, closing his left eye and fracturing his nose. Hewitt knocked down an obviously tired KO Kid in the 8th, nearly closing his right eye. By the end of round 9, quoth the raven was quoth as “looks exhausted. He has his left eye swollen shut. He has his right eye swollen shut. He has a serious cut below his left eye. He has a serious cut below his right eye. He has a serious cut over his left eye. He has a cut over his right eye. He has a broken nose. He has a broken tooth.” Let’s hear it for quoth the raven “KO Kid”, the recipient of the Extreme Makeover – Webl edition award.”

The bathroom lights blink on and off and the two loiterers are asked to leave as the show is over.